Thursday, December 18, 2008


So i felt a little better yesterday...
I called a friend in india and talked for over an hour (sorry mom i used the house phone!). I got totally lost in the conversation that i forgot where i was for a bit. It was wonderful. i was in this extremely good mood for a while after that.

then, i had to drive back to santa barbara a day early because i have to move out asap. my landlord is threatening to sell my belongings to pay for rent for that room my roommate neglected to get filled. It's great to be back.

i refuse to stay at my apartment because i can't bare to be around my roommate... so i'm continuing to live out of my bag. it doesn't bother me, though... i'm used to it now! it kinda makes me happy.

I saw justin yesterday! He makes me smile. i actually took a picture yesterday with his 5d mark deuce... the bastard. i didn't want to.. he made me.

Scott let me stay with him last night. It's really good to see him. He's seriously my best friend. :).

I still have a few people i HAVE to see soon... Alexandria and Julianne! I talked to them both yesterday... i can't wait to catch up.

Unfortunately, i haven't been able to do any work. I'm supposed to be editing, but dealing with this whole housing situation, being jet lagged, and feeling very down about not being in india is really taking a tole on me. i have class today at 10am and i really don't want to go. i can't focus.

Even though it's nice to see all of my friends again, i really feel like i don't belong here.

You know what i realized? i have so much shit. i want to sell all of my belongings. i don't need any of them! why the hell do i have a 40'' tv and 400 dvds??

For the past 7 weeks i only needed the following:
clothes- 2 pairs of pants, 5 shirts, 5 pairs of undies, 1 sweater, sandals, shoes and 1.5 bras.
toiletries- toothbrush, toothpaste, nail clippers, shampoo/conditioner, soap, razor, tweezers, face lotion, hair dryer (my hair takes over an hour to dry naturally)
makeup- mascara, powder
electronics- ipod, laptop, 2 hard drives, headphones, 1 camera body, 3 lenses, memory cards, card reader
other- backpack, medicines, chapstick.

everything else seems trivial, now.

i've gone mad.

India has helped me learn a lot about myself:
like i don't need anything that i used to think i needed... like more dvds, clothes, and 7 different face lotions. Those things don't even make me truly happy.
i learned i enjoy, more than anything, a good conversation. I feel like some of the conversations i had with the friends i made in india were so honest and interesting... it wasn't like what i'm used to; where the other person is just waiting for their turn to talk.
i love listening... but i hate listening to idiots.
i love making other people smile or laugh. it makes my heart smile.
I have a tough exterior, but i'm really just a huge softy inside.
i'm not afraid to let other people into my heart.
i'm indecisive not because i don't know what i want, but because i want to know what you want... i don't care about what i want.
i can find humor in anything.
i don't sweat the small stuff.
i love learning about new things and new people. LOVE that.
i appreciate the little things.
i love indian food and miss it dearly.
i look up at the sky a lot. it reminds me that i'm just a tiny part of this fantastic world.

The thing i miss most about india is the people.
then it's the following:
the colors.
the 'you get there when you get there' attitude
the power outages
the shower buckets
the tea.
the food
the rickshaw drivers

every place i went in india... these things i miss were always different. India is very unpredictable, and that's what i love most about it.

huh, i just figured that out.

now, i'm off to try to feel like myself again. wish me luck.



Justin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Justin said...

you've have run into the sun and now the only place to go is beyond yourself. The you that you want to become and the you that made you become where you're standing right now. It's a beautiful thing and I can't wait for you to share these experiences with me.

And yah I guess there was touching. Lots and lots of touching. Asian.

tim said...

I've been keeping up with this the last few weeks and to say it's been interesting would be a severe understatement. It would also be an understatement to say that I am very envious of your experience. It seems like it was real, true, and more than anything, eye-opening.

I think I've been on the brink of an experience like that for a long time, but it's something that I just keep missing. I'm glad to hear that you were able to see and feel all of these feelings, good and bad, gorgeous and ugly.

What you experienced is something that I've only heard of, a true feeling of independence, life with no strings attached, nothing to fall back on, no one to answer to.

And to be honest, although I know you've attached that feeling to India, I know that's something you're going to be able to feel again anywhere in the world.

Hope you know that, and I hope you find that feeling again.

| AMANDA | said...