Tuesday, December 16, 2008


I'm back.

It’s so weird to be home.

So I was thinking about my last post… and i said a lot of things............ that i don't regret saying at all. i gave out my blog website to a lot of people in india, so i feel a bit bad for cursing so much.. Sorry! But everything i wrote is 100% true. it's completely real and raw and honest. There was more that happened that i didn't mention... because i'm not going to name names and give a formal or informal statement to administration on my blog, because that's just not the right place to do it. i am very upset still, but i'm dealing with it.

It was so hard admitting to myself that i had to leave. Poor Paul. He was watching me like a hawk at the airport. i'd go to the bathroom and i would see this gray head of hair in the crowd start moving around to make sure i wasn't making a run for it.

I got really excited because my passport wasn't scanning properly when i went to get my boarding pass. i actually smiled because i thought there was a chance... but then they typed in my information manually and it worked.

We got to immigration and i tried to pull a fast one. I asked the man if he had the power to make me stay. He didn't really understand what i was saying and i explained that i want to stay in india, but my teacher wont let me. He said "you can stay, ma'am. your visa is good until February." so i told him i know but my teacher wont let me... and he said, "teachers always get in the way." Adam freaked out when i was talking to the guy.... he looked at me and said sternly, "Amanda, what are you doing?!" It was funny because it's so hard to take him serious with his mustache, haha.

I felt like everyone was staring at me... waiting for my breakdown or blowup or something. i was not a happy camper. i was a total downer debbie. I didn't want to be around anyone, either. i just wanted to be alone.

Of course i was the last student on the plane, and Paul made sure i got on before him. If he didn't physically see me for like 5 minutes he would call another student and ask if i was with them. i was a serious flight risk.

Once i got on the plane i started crying. I texted all of my friends in india... telling them that operation keep amanda in india failed miserably. Poor Adam was sitting next to me... i was the worst company. I just cried, slept, and cried some more the whole way to hong kong.

i was still pretty mad in hong kong. I stopped crying before i got off the plane, but it turned into anger. i just sat on my computer and talked to some friends to vent for a bit. Paul continued his inconspicuous attempt to keep an eye on me. not as bad as in the india airport, but his gray head of hair was always popping up in my peripherals every 15 to 20 minutes.

Then we get to the ticket counter to board the plane... and my ticket goes code red! if that's not a sign then shoot me now. They had to make a phone call, check some data base, my passport. Paul thought i had something to do with it! I started getting nervous that the plane was going to crash or something like in final destination. poor adam, hahah. i was great company until chennai!

Now i'm home. The clouds were super crazy cool here when i arrived. i haven't taken any pictures in like 3 days. You know a photographers depressed when she carries her camera everywhere for days, but doesn't take a single image.

It really doesn't feel right here. I feel so bad for my parents because they're so happy to see me... and i just want to go back. The christmas tree did make me smile, though.

i didn't buy any souvenirs. I was so convinced i was going to stay... i didn't want to have to carry all of the souvenirs and gifts around for the next 3 weeks. i seriously went crazy. my christmas gifts could've been soo cool. damn.

i miss you, india.

i'm going to sleep.


joshuaclason said...

Hey. You can always go back. I hope you feel better!

Justin said...

yah it's not the end of the world. I'm sure you know that...but I'm proud of you for trying your best to do what you wanted. That means the when you do go back it'll be even more of a life changing experience.

Anonymous said...

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence