Monday, December 15, 2008

you have my heart, india

I wrote this yesterday morning...

I woke up crying this morning.


I can't leave. This is so stupid.

I don't have class until January 12th... why can't i stay a few weeks longer?

This has been the most amazing experience for me. I've never been so happy. I didn't know i could be so happy!

But something is really telling me that i'm not finished with my time here.

Everyone is telling me that i can come back... of course i can come back! I'm going to come back. That's not the point. I'm here NOW. i have christmas break from school when i get back. What am i going to do with that time? i mean i love my family... spending time with them is important... but i'm not going to spend all of my time with them. I'm probably going to go home, hang out with my friends, get drunk, go to the movies, blah blah blah. I could be here for a few weeks longer, learning, studying, understanding a beautiful different place and culture. Meeting people, seeing new things, and experience REAL LIFE. Not the bullshit i already know in America.

It's cheaper for me to stay here, too. It's a waste of money to leave.

It's crazy being back with everyone in chennai right now. We all had such different experiences.. good and bad. a lot of people are ready to go home. It boggles my mind.

I've become really protective of india. We've been discussing themes for this project... and people have been joking around a lot. It pisses me off! It's so crazy that i'm getting all emotional about it... but i started getting really mad. i'm sad that everyone didn't have the same experience as me. I'm actually kind of mad. I'm going nuts.

i have to stay.

I'm seriously going to be ridiculously depressed. I know it, i can already feel it. i feel like throwing up.

Goddammit, Brooks. LET ME STAY.

I can't even enjoy my last day here. I knew it was going to be hard for me to leave... but i'm serious when i say something in my gut is telling me not to go. I think if i had the few more weeks to stay, i will feel i used this opportunity to the fullest extent, and i could leave. I'll be sad to go, but i won't feel like this.

And i'm so fucking sick of people worrying about me. I know i'm a small 21 year old woman. You don't think i know that? I don't need anyone to worry about me... i just want to be me. it's like they just forget that i'm responsible, smart, good with people, and cautious. I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. really, i can. What's the point in being an adult if no one is going to treat you like one?

I'm so close to taking an F for this class, just so i can stay.


The people i have met are so amazing. They are just truly genuine. It's funny how kind everyone has been to me here... and back home my roommate is trying to fuck me over while i'm not even in the country. In India, people are constantly thinking about others before themselves. That's the biggest difference i see in our cultures. People with NOTHING will invite you into their homes, feed you, ask you if you need help, and do whatever they can do. It's AMAZING. Then there are people like my roommate in the US who neglected to tell me that my other roommate moved out, and then neglected to find a new roommate. She decides to email me a few day ago saying that i need to pay for ANOTHER room that i'm NOT USING because it's supposedly my responsibility and not hers.


That's besides the point.

The fact is, i'm an adult. I signed a waver before i left that if anything happens to me in India, it's not Brooks responsibility. Why is it okay for them to get involved now? It's not like Brooks paid for anything... nothing. not my plane ticket, not my food, not my transportation, not my hotels. . . WHY DO THEY ALL OF A SUDDEN CARE?

They flat out said if i fly home... get out of my plane in LAX, turn around, get back in, and fly back to india... THAT would be okay.

why waste my time and money?

i hate this.
That was written the morning i had to pack and leave.

Now i'm in Hong Kong awaiting my flight to LAX.

if 280 people donate 5 american dollars to me i can go back.
I think i'm going to start at the Hong Kong airport.

i feel like my soul is gone.

A lot of bullshit has happened since i wrote that yesterday. A LOT.
... and i'm very very very upset with Brooks. I need to reevaluate some things when i get back.

And mostly, i'm disappointed with someone who i use to really respect.

I had an amazing experience in India. My life has definitely changed. And i will be back, soon. I just really believe i should still be there now. I'm very upset over this.

Thank you to everyone in India that really made this trip amazing for me... Sabita, Lisu, Minal, and especially everyone at Light and Life Academy. Big shout out to Charan, Karthik, Arnab, and my new true friends Ankit, Rahul, Shivani, Garima, Shubhi, fuck... every student there. Being with you all for 12 days helped me learn so much about india. You let me into your home, brain, and heart. Our paths must cross again.

I never thought i would get so emotional about this... but i have a feeling it's going to take me a long time to feel right again.

now some of the last pictures i took in india:

This is Charan! He's been amazing! Definitely the sunshine of india.

The clouds in Ooty were especially amazing on my last day there...

hanging out at Light and Life... kicking Ankit's ass at hot hands!



unbelievably happy.

I wish i had ran away and stayed.

This is from my bus window when i was leaving Ooty... Shivani and Garima are pretending to be American myspace girls, haha!

Fucking awesome!

Then i left.

fuck fuck fuck!
this sucks.

Overall... good trip... fucked up administration... amazing india... genuine people... true friends.

and I love this:

Alright, America... i'm coming home and not on my own terms. I hope you're better than what i remember.

India is number one in my heart.

fucking awesome.


Jillian Jiggs said...

it sounds like you had such an amazing experience and I completely understand the feelings of not want to go home because you just feel and understand a place so well.
We will both be back home for break and I think we will both be stressing about being back in Monrovia, we should meet up for drinks and sulk.

ps-so jealous you were in Hong Kong for a bit. I am hoping I make it back there one day.

Justin said...

Well that was a long read. You'll have to explain the details to me over zee phone. The lack of support from brooks and the strain they put on you is a negative and I hope to see you soon, even if it's against your will to come back. ;) Miss you.